Resilience Is A Learnable Skill : How To Bounce Back From An Emotional Adversity ?

“Jane wasn’t the same ever since that day and how could she be ? She trusted him with all she had, whilst he was cheating on her for years ! When she was spending the nights waiting for him, he was busy satisfying himself elsewhere. She was shattered and in great emotional pain, it was a big blow for her self-esteem. While this is a very difficult thing to take for anyone, some are just impacted so much more. Jane was amongst those few. Although she herself and others near her could not see this, but she was internally depressed for years.
Eventually Jane and her partner separated, but the weight of the baggage Jane was carrying was reflecting in all her other relationships.”

It may seem that emotions rule the mind, but that is just an illusion. In reality the mind rules our emotions. Emotions are the direct result of our beliefs. In this case Jane believed that her partner should be as loyal and sensitive to her as she was, since he was in a committed relationship. Although that is the ideal case, but unfortunately no matter how ruthless it may seem, the bitter fact is that in today’s era it would not be a great surprise if this belief truned out to be irrational. Breaking of trust obviously resulted in adversity but for Jane it was more than just breaking of trust, it was an attack on her belief system – the breaking of this belief is what broke Jane. Hence the origin  of her emotional pain was in her mind, in her belief system.

“If what kills you is in your mind, then what rebuilds you is also there to find.”

Albert Ellis, an American pshychologist, setup the ABCDE model (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy) which can be used for developing Emotional Resilience. This teaches you how to bounce back from an adversity and how to train your mind to be more emotionally resilient. Let’s look at this model using Jane’s case. The idea is to learn how to not let the adversity turn to a trauma.

  1. A = Adversity / Activating Event

    In Jane’s case the activating event was the discovery of her partner cheating.

  2. B = Belief (Irrational Belief towards the event)

    We have already talked about Jane’s belief –  Jane believed that her partner “Should be” as loyal and sensitive to her as she was, since he was in a committed relationship. Although that is the ideal case, but unfortunately no matter how ruthless it may seem, the bitter fact is that in today’s era it would not be a great surprise if this belief truned out to be irrational.

  3. C = Consequences (Emotional raections/behaviors as a result of the event)

    Breaking of trust obviously resulted in adversity but for Jane it was more than just breaking of trust, it was an attack on her belief system – the breaking of this belief is what broke Jane. Hence the origin  of her emotional pain was in her mind, in her belief system.

  4. D = Disputing the Irrational Belief

    Jane’s freedom came from disputing her current belief and understanding that none of us is perfect and we all are different. Do not expect people to behave the way you behave, but at the same time do not accept anything less than your standards. If they do not up themselves walk away.

  5. E = Effect (New Effect / New way of seeing the problem) hence triggering new set of emotions.

    Instead of looking at it as a betrayal, she started seeing it as an act that brought back focus on herself, her needs, her wants. It gave her an oppurtunity to introspect and bring to life her parts that she had lost somewhere trying to adjust with her partner. The change in perspective helped her look at the whole thing positively and thank the event to bring back the night focus in her. This change in her relationships with herself and the event, made all the other relationships around her happier and more natural.

    So a lot of your emotional peace and happiness rests in your perspective to a situation. A slight change in the way you percieve a situation can move it from a depressing reality to a thankful event. Remember, do not succumb but surmount.

 

About the author

An avid reader, a lover of words, a behavioral psychology enthusiast and a passionate writer– I am a strong believer in the immense power a beautifully crafted stream of words carry, and how these words can influence thought. With this knowledge and an intention to spread the message of love, I have created www.Wordions.com to present my writings to the world primarily themed on Love, Self-awareness and Self-Improvement.

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